I am not a very patient person. I think that’s one of the reasons that I don’t like to exercise. I don’t want to put the time in to getting into shape. I would love for someone to invent the self-cleaning house. I love to travel, I hate travelling. Get the picture?
So this idea of six months to a year before I feel like myself again? I am not a fan. But here it is. Chemo/radiation tired is not the kind of tired you can just push through. I relate so much better to my friends who have invisible illnesses. After a big push, a busy day or two or maybe a trip out-of-town, I need a day to rest.
My brain doesn’t work the way it once did. I have trouble multi-tasking. Finding myself too busy causes real anxiety and panic. I no longer do well in a crisis. I need a plan for each day in order to actually accomplish something, and to make sure I accomplish the right things.
I am learning to be patient with myself.
I am learning to show grace to myself when things don’t go as planned. When I can’t cross off every item on my to-do list. When I need a nap after lunch. When I get anxious and frazzled.
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30
My true rest, true grace, true patience is found in Jesus. When my burden is too great, Jesus carries it for me. He is gentle, He is humble, He gives rest for my soul. When I am not able, He is. When I cannot overcome, He can.
This season of “after treatment” is teaching me as much as the “treatment” season. I still need grace for my days. I am learning to adjust my expectations, to focus on what is really important, to pare down, to let things go.
No, I do not always succeed. Those of you who know me in real life know that I thrive when I am busiest – at least, that used to be true. It’s not in this season. Will that change? I have no idea.
But I do know this. Jesus’ burden is light. He cares for me, not for my to-do list. He is not asking me to be superwoman. He is asking me to be His child, to sit at His feet and learn from Him.
And that is better.